charcoal before fire

charcoal before fire

dear,

i miss the sound of your excitement in the dim of a theater, your hand on my arm a livewire,

your appreciation for caterpillars, your hair freshly dyed,

the ghost of you lingers in my little home while you’re still alive.

 

dear,

what did i do wrong

 

dear,

what manner of maelstrom are you caught in that this is how you ask for help–

a drowning man climbing atop a lifeguard

and sinking them, too

 

dear,

it’s good that i’m moving.

 

dear,

ten years i have striven to give the best of me to you: patient, safe, reassuring, kind, learning–

always learning.

now you tell me my best is duplicitous, selfish, condescending–

i see no reason to give you anything else

 

dear,

i am beginning to think the problem isn’t me

 

dear,

my godmother tells me the solution to this is to use this to forge myself into

someone better

someone stronger

someone smarter

someone who knows how to spot cowards.

you could learn a lot from her.

 

dear,

love and fury are synonyms but love and pain are not

 

dear,

if this is how you beg forgiveness it is inadequate

 

rlb

8.12.19

 

 

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